I’m going to be real. This isn’t just a testimony. It’s a compilation of my life experiences, traumas, emotions, relationships, struggles, mental health issues, and more. It’s lengthy…are you ready?
I grew up struggling with my identity. It wasn’t until the age of 35 when I realized who I was, meant to be, and meant to do. I grew up with very little friends, if any. Being myself was not an option since everyone seemed to dislike me so I fought hard to be like anyone else so often that I didn’t recognize who I was.
Since the age of thirteen, I’ve been diagnosed with so many mental illnesses that I didn’t understand. In high school, I was a “cutter”. Something about replacing the internal pain for external pain made me feel better. This of course is never the answer. I know this now. I didn’t agree back then but looking back on that time in my life, I would urge anyone to seek professional help.
By some sort of miracle, I graduated high school (barely) and got into more trouble by hanging out with the wrong crowd and this would continue for a decade. At nineteen, I met a man at a party, ended up moving in with him, and getting pregnant with my son. We had nothing in common, didn’t know each other from Adam, and hardly saw each other while I was pregnant. While experiencing depression during pregnancy, I ended up being diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression and couldn’t handle being a mother. Eventually, I got visitation rights, and did my best to be there for my son, and still am. We don’t have the best bond in the world and it’s the worst mistake of my life, but I can’t get myself to take it back because then I wouldn’t be where I am today. My son is smart, loving, respectful, and funny. He was raised right, and I give all the credit to his father.
Fast forward a couple of years of drug use, sleeping around, homelessness, alcoholism, theft, and abuse, I started dating someone that went from being a savior to an abuser for ten years. This man was great. He took me to so many places I’ve never been, we always went out with friends, always having fun. In most relationships, everything is new and exciting and you’re still learning about one another. Eventually that love led to hate. Caring led to controlling. Kind words left to verbal abuse. Cuddling led to physical abuse. Just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, factor in substance abuse, and wanting to party every day. I developed an addiction to cocaine, booze, and pills. I was miserable. I had no way out. I was trapped and wanted to die. It was the only option…until HE called.
It was my birthday in 2020. I was in bed watching tv when he called. He was my only real true friend growing up. He was always there for me, always thought about me, always picked up the phone when I called, and always dropped what he was doing to listen. We had lost touch over the years because we were both in jealous controlling relationships, but he never missed my birthday. Back then you couldn’t convince me that my life would be this way. That I would experience happiness like nothing I’ve ever felt and that I would be safe and loved beyond measure. He had told me that he broke up with his girlfriend and moved into his own place with an extra bedroom that I could stay in. FINALLY! A way out!
I always knew that Jim had a thing for me in high school. I just didn’t know that he never stopped. He was different. He wasn’t the skinny dorky boy that I loved like a brother, but a handsome, hardworking man. I was surprised with how much I fell in love with him. In 2021, we welcomed our first daughter together. Life was great. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Until….
I started getting bored with being a stay-at-home mom and started hanging out with an old high school acquaintance. We hung out every day and eventually it became drinking every day and popping pills. I was turning into a junkie again and I didn’t even realize it despite my boyfriend telling me all the time. Later, I would learn that the supposed friend I clung to would try to ruin my life. I got into the occult. I was into Wicca and tarot cards, etc. My entire apartment was full of crystals in every wall, pentacles, and astrology. I had this weird obsession with horror movies, heavy metal music, and serial killer documentaries.
I can’t remember the moment I decided to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. All I remember is my mother bringing me a pink NLT Bible with beautiful floral print paired with a pink notebook. I started reading it that evening and never stopped since.
My life before Christ was hard. The apostle Paul states in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!”. What this verse means is that when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and have faith in him, our old selves die, and we become reborn. When we accept Jesus, we are given the Holy Spirit and He helps us to use discernment against temptation to sin. That’s why our old selves are dead and that’s why I was reborn into the woman I am today. If you saw me then and knew me now, you’d be looking at two entirely different people.
After having my last child, I have overcome a lot of the struggles I faced years ago. I can proudly say that although I still do suffer from mental illness, I can better manage it with the mercy and grace of God. I was given new eyes to see the beauty in all of His creation. A new heart to love and forgive easily. A new mind that isn’t clouded with doubt and grief. It was as if Jesus crawled into the bottomless black hole I was trapped in and pulled me out into a different realm of existence.
I look back on the days of my old life. The emotions I felt, the attitude I had toward everything, the excuses I made, the people that have hurt me, and the new life I now live and proudly wave while saying, “Adios, Chica!”
I want for people that are stuck, trapped, bonded, to know there is always a way out and you are not alone. Let’s fight the good fight together! What do you say?